The Abrogator on the ETS
by Myths n’ Wraiths


Disclaimer: The following is a comedy and is not meant to be taken seriously. All names and organizations mentioned hereafter were chosen for their humorous aspects and are not meant to portray actual characters in the game.



(Warning: the following editorial addresses controversial topics such as suicide, masochism and… hepatitis?)



The advent of the ETS, Emergency Teleport System, is without a doubt one of the greatest benefits that has stemmed from the research of the vanquished Rikti. With the ability to instantly teleport a hero whose vital signs have dropped below acceptable limits to the nearest hospital for instant regeneration, it allows our favorite crime fighters the freedom of combating evil without the fear of death or permanent disability.

Since its introduction almost two years ago it has been a deciding factor in the ongoing struggle between our heroes and the forces of destruction during this time of reconstruction in our city. But is there another side to this miracle machine? Could the seeming guarantee against death that the ETS affords Paragons heroes be responsible for a new bread of less capable more reckless superheroes?

During the course of an investigation into this phenomenon it was discovered that this gift of cheating death has given birth to a whole new form of extreme sports among the more adventurous of Paragons protectors. Ms. Velocity comments on one such form of “recreation” that mirrors professional diving… without the pool, “In the old days we used to climb to the top of the building in Paragon and spit over the edge to see who could get their spit to fall the farthest away from the base of the building. Now that we have the teleport system its so much cooler, instead of spitting the farthest over the edge we see who can jump the farthest.” When questioned as to the safety of such an act Ms. Velocity stated that after 112 free falls to certain death she is still around to tell the tale. What type of message are we sending are we sending our children when what would constitute suicide for one citizen is little more than a pastime for another?

Many similar events are sprouting up all around Paragon. In Perez Park a Super groups known as the Paragon Plungers hold a weekly competition of seeing who can hold their breath for the longest in the murky pond waters. This in and of itself might not sound to extreme until they mention the fact that special awards are given to those determined enough to remain under the water long enough to get transported to the hospital for drowning. These same heroes must often be treated for hepatitis a well, a common ailment for those who dare the sewage infested waters of that zone. One must ask themselves what type of mental and emotional repercussions could stem from such a blatant disregard for someone’s personal well being.

A Super group known as the Magical Masters of Masochism has a running bet as to which of their company will be the first to “die 500 different deaths”. The leading contender in the race has experienced a startling 356 different types of death including: being stabbed in the heart with a spoon, having a car dropped on him, hit by a wrecking ball, run over by a bulldozer, ingested by a monster, drowning in every major body of water located in Paragon City, stuck in a trash compactor, caught in a jet engine, stepped on by a fifty ton killer machine and choking on a hotdog, to name a few.

If such acts were limited to heroes than this topic would almost certainly remain below the attention of the general populous of our great city, however the escapades of these care free crime fighters have drawn the attention of our impressionable youths. Two Kings Row teenagers were arrested last week for fraudulently trying to enlist into the ranks of Paragons heroes in order to reap the benefits of a death free life. When questioned about their intentions, the two juveniles stated that it was their intent to start a new society in the city known simply as the Fight-to-the-death Club.

When questioned about this developing parody, Statesman had this to say, “A system has been in place since the ETS was first developed to monitor the number of times that a hero uses its services. When a hero has a record of using the ETS it hinders them from achieving the next security level and progressing in their career.” Though this sounds reasonable, Ranged Ravager, a hero who has been operating in Paragon city for several months, has a record of using the ETS at least once every time he undertakes a mission and still manages to progress through the ranks of his fellow heroes at a rate of about one security level per-week.

While laughing in the face of death becomes a growing trend with today’s heroes it appears that we are heading inevitably toward being a city defended by masochistic immortals. Could it be that the very device that affords us the strength needed to preserve our city is also twisting it into a deplorable society?

Your humble servant, The Abrogator.

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